I like to test the waters by pushing people in.馃榿
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Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there鈥檚 some people having a birthday in my mouth
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you鈥檒l ever meet in person.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I鈥檓 sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I鈥檇 like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
We’ve all been there…
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
My eye keeps twitching. I鈥檓 no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.