Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AsgardianRose's best tweets

@AsgardianRose : If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

@AsgardianRose: I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

@AsgardianRose: Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

@AsgardianRose: Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

@AsgardianRose: No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

@AsgardianRose: Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

@AsgardianRose: Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

@AsgardianRose: Me: Why don't I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That's right. Gross.

@AsgardianRose: In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said "You're the Obi Wan for me" and that's the highlight of my entire dating experience.

@AsgardianRose: To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road...

Are you okay? How does that even happen?