that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
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“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
m’lady
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”