Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
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Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
what could possibly go wrong?
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!