These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
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me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
We’re all getting idioter.