I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
You Might Also Like
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
“Sheer Arrogance”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Watson was Holmes schooled
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
When does CPR become necrophilia?
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.