“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
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My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?