Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
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Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
(more comics:
Big Sex has us all fooled
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself