your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
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Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.