please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
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Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Safety first
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe