[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
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The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.