Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AtticusFinch79's best tweets

@AtticusFinch79 : [McDonald's drive thru] ME: i'd like a happy meal with a coke HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

@AtticusFinch79: HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

@AtticusFinch79: 🎶I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

@AtticusFinch79: [meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

@AtticusFinch79: [God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let's give them teeth!

A: too far

@AtticusFinch79: [waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

@AtticusFinch79: [blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you're a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

@AtticusFinch79: [giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

@AtticusFinch79: Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

@AtticusFinch79: [on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That's why I'm on the train