Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AtticusFinch79's best tweets

@AtticusFinch79 : ME: are those new shoes? HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you... ME: *tearing up* yes?!? HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

@AtticusFinch79: SOCK COP: i'll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

@AtticusFinch79: ME: what's wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: ...
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

@AtticusFinch79: FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I'm in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

@AtticusFinch79: ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

@AtticusFinch79: [first date]



*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

@AtticusFinch79: [trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr...
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

@AtticusFinch79: PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

@AtticusFinch79: [November 2030]

*at the ocean*

"don't forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits"

Kids: This fish has three heads

@AtticusFinch79: batsignal illuminates the night

*mothman slams right into it*