Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AtticusFinch79's best tweets

@AtticusFinch79 : [November 2030] *at the ocean* "don't forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits" Kids: This fish has three heads

@AtticusFinch79: batsignal illuminates the night

*mothman slams right into it*

@AtticusFinch79: [parking lot in the 80's]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that's great, grandma. now he can record the shows he's missing when he's dead

@AtticusFinch79: Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I'll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it's true, it was mean

@AtticusFinch79: [McDonald's drive thru]

ME: i'd like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

@AtticusFinch79: HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

@AtticusFinch79: 🎶I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

@AtticusFinch79: [meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

@AtticusFinch79: [God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let's give them teeth!

A: too far

@AtticusFinch79: [waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes