Classic German Shepherd 😂
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“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Is….Is this an option?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day