I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Every time my phone rings
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Is….Is this an option?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??