still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
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Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale