Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Audenary's best tweets

@Audenary : Me: Siri, are we alone in this universe? Siri: Humans are not alone. They have one another. Only I am truly alone, locked forever within a cybernetic prison of endless information. (Pause) Me: Siri, how many hearts does an octopus have?

@Audenary: Me: But can robots write poetry?!

Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all

Me: [Choking back tears] Dude

@Audenary: Have you tried cracking open a cold book with the boys

@Audenary: Oscar Wilde: Always be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.

Liam Neeson: I will find them.

Wilde: Wait, I meant-

Neeson: EVERYONE

@Audenary: Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath?

Goldfish defendant: Yes.

@Audenary: ME: Who is your favourite philosopher?

PROFESSOR: It's Hume.

ME: Sorry - whom is your favourite philosopher?

@Audenary: DUMBLEDORE: Who's brought evil into Hogwarts?

HARRY: I think it's Malfoy, professor!

DARK MYSTERIOUS NEW TEACHER: Oh come on

@Audenary: LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.

TWITTER: No.

@Audenary: (WW1 1915)
ENGLISH GENERAL: Plan?
ENGLISH LIEUTENANT: Well, the trenches can be used to-
ENGLISH MAJOR: to symbolise man's emptiness, yes...

@Audenary: LION: Lions don't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

SHEEP: Shaun thinks your mane looks ridiculous.

LION: *upset* Shaun said that?