@AudreyPorne: I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
@AudreyPorne: hate when people say "if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!", like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol
@AudreyPorne: him: I wish you'd talk more during sex.
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don't speak
@AudreyPorne: spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
@AudreyPorne: If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they're not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don't believe me.
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
@AudreyPorne: him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
@AudreyPorne: an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i'm so nervous lol what if he doesn't reply??
@AudreyPorne: me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don't u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they're not my teeth