Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AudreyPorne's best tweets

@AudreyPorne : "jogging gives me endorphins" so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

@AudreyPorne: if you're too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper "Mother might be getting cold in the pantry" while staring nervously at your kitchen.

@AudreyPorne: I'm eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I'm in a silent French film about sex and death.

@AudreyPorne: women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

@AudreyPorne: Winter sex: "Let's do this". *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

@AudreyPorne: Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I'm not 100% sure what's going on, but I like it.

@AudreyPorne: I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

@AudreyPorne: hate when people say "if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!", like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol

@AudreyPorne: him: I wish you'd talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don't speak

@AudreyPorne: spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower