Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AudreyPorne's best tweets

@AudreyPorne : Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I'm not 100% sure what's going on, but I like it.

@AudreyPorne: I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

@AudreyPorne: hate when people say "if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!", like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol

@AudreyPorne: him: I wish you'd talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don't speak

@AudreyPorne: spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

@AudreyPorne: If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they're not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don't believe me.

@AudreyPorne: [2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

@AudreyPorne: him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

@AudreyPorne: an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i'm so nervous lol what if he doesn't reply??

@AudreyPorne: me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don't u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they're not my teeth