Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
You Might Also Like
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
yall want some gasoline milk
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
😬
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended