Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AverageCorners's best tweets

@AverageCorners : Me: Okay, bed time. Brain: I'm with you, man. I'm tired. Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE "PATIENCE" BY GUNS N' ROSES!

@AverageCorners: I wasn't kicking you. I was encouraging you to get the hell out of my way.

@AverageCorners: Someday, when I'm really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.

@AverageCorners: "Grab a Pop Tart!" I tell my kids as I'm mixing up the dogs' breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.

@AverageCorners: My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.

@AverageCorners: My garden shed door keeps opening and closing.

Is it the wind? Yes.

Am I going to tell my kids it's haunted so they stay out? Also yes.

@AverageCorners: I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.

@AverageCorners: 11: Did it rain last night?

Me: No.

11: But it's so wet!

Me: That's what she said.

11: What?

Me: What?