Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
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Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Rooting for the overdog
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
“you recording!?”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.