The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
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Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.