Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
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Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.