[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
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*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
🤣🤣🤣
*puts words between two asterisks*
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.