My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
They did not miss in the small print
Tastes like chicken.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids