Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
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I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work