Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Meow?
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Best spoiler warning ever
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree