My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
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how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Teach your children to beatbox
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.