Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
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Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.