Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
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People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Investing in beetcoin
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling