It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
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What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?