RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
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[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Admin smashed it 😂
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing