Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
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No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Lmaoo 😂
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice