let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
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My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
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