Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
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[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
sigh
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.