Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BCMontgo's best tweets

@BCMontgo : [first date] Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy. Her: You've lost a lot of blood. Him: I'm fine. Throw in another chainsaw. Her: While you're just laying there?

@BCMontgo: [concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

@BCMontgo: Boss: You're
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I'm letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

@BCMontgo: I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted "Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks".

@BCMontgo: [commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

@BCMontgo: What's the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

@BCMontgo: [zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

@BCMontgo: Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I'll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

@BCMontgo: Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

@BCMontgo: Me: I'll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn't.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?