@BCMontgo: Wife: How'd this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don't have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
@BCMontgo: [first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.
Her: You've lost a lot of blood.
Him: I'm fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you're just laying there?
@BCMontgo: [concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
@BCMontgo: Boss: You're
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I'm letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
@BCMontgo: I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted "Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks".
@BCMontgo: [commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
@BCMontgo: What's the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
@BCMontgo: [zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
@BCMontgo: Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I'll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.