Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BCMontgo's best tweets

@BCMontgo : What rhymes with "Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars"? I refuse to lose another rap battle!

@BCMontgo: Wife: How'd this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don't have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

@BCMontgo: [first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You've lost a lot of blood.

Him: I'm fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you're just laying there?

@BCMontgo: [concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

@BCMontgo: Boss: You're
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I'm letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

@BCMontgo: I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted "Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks".

@BCMontgo: [commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

@BCMontgo: What's the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

@BCMontgo: [zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

@BCMontgo: Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I'll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.