@BCMontgo: Boss: You're
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I'm letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
@BCMontgo: I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted "Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks".
@BCMontgo: [commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
@BCMontgo: What's the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
@BCMontgo: [zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
@BCMontgo: Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I'll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
@BCMontgo: Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
@BCMontgo: Me: I'll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn't.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
@BCMontgo: Sir, you can't walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*