Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of BGH70's best tweets

@BGH70 : Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes. Me: Thanks! I'll tell my feet. [Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

@BGH70: On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.

@BGH70: Don't cry because it's over, scowl because you had to participate.

@BGH70: If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

@BGH70: Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You're clearly not that complicated.

@BGH70: I'm watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

@BGH70: When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, "significantly less bleeding."

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

@BGH70: I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

@BGH70: I'm like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

@BGH70: There's a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I'm not sure if it's performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.