Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8