Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
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“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I’m good, thanks.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
the Monday after daylight savings
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.