me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
You Might Also Like
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
his wife is probably gonna see that
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
A woman drives into a bar.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw