[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
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“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Worth the read.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants