Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
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I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
i think we should see other cousins
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you