A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
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I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.