Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
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Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.