When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
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Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
(Musicians.)
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing