@BadJordon: Ruin a hipster's day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it's lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I'm too pretty for jail
@BadJordon: I'm just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
@BadJordon: ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don't come back till you're thinny, thin, thin
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
@BadJordon: Autocorrect just changed 'so thirsty' to 'sloth irate' and I'm slowly getting angry about it.
@BadJordon: Dominos just called to let me know my pizza's on the way. They correctly assumed I'd need time to find my pants.
@BadJordon: Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.