t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
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wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
good let them take over I have had enough
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Called it
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no