guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
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My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.