Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
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It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*