My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
found this cool rock hiking today
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
bout dat hot dog summer
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
😲 WTF? 😆
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?