HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
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Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
good work, detective
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
#dnd #ttrpg