[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
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you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
School be like
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Whisper out to librarians!
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.