What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
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English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭