*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
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Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
The three genders
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Sharon I have some bad news
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs